


lose you, to find you again

by ultomorrow



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Arguing, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, Comfort, Fluff, Healing, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mild Language, No Plot/Plotless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-02 06:58:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20271835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultomorrow/pseuds/ultomorrow
Summary: break ups are hard, but maybe they are needed to find out what you really want.





	lose you, to find you again

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't good and it started off with a good idea and now here we are. I tried to connect past stories so if you want more background go and read "the stages of falling in love" and i suggest listening to "lose you" by Eric Nam  
This is highly unedited so ignore the errors :)  
I hope you all enjoy!

Renjun knew it was for the best. the distance between them felt like they were separated by oceans, in reality they were feet apart, and the air between them was cold, freezing, but it was July, and the temperature read 95. They had long since graduated college, their 5 year relationship was ended by nothing but lack of time, lack of interest, and lack of love. 

Last night renjun recalled when they met, or formally met, jeno needed a book to study but renjun already taken it, he remembers the first date when jeno planned a day full of renjun’s favorite things, museums, art, moomin cafe, he remembers them ordering take out and sitting in Jeno’s dorm, and jeno confessing to renjun, he remembers how in love they were, he remembers the double dates between Mark and Jaemin and him and jeno. It was the best years of his life. But college was over, and puppy love wasn't for renjun anymore.

They stood in their shared living room. The room that heard all the fights and arguments, the room that held cuddles and kisses, the room that shared happy times like graduation day pictures and sad days like when Jeno was denied his first job out of college. Jeno spoke first

“Are we ever gonna stop”  
Renjun looked up the boy who instead of his usually bright and smile full of sadness  
“Huh”  
“Renjun please, lets not do this please, we have to talk”  
Renjun let his head drop to the floor  
“Jeno, what happened”  
“I don’t know, renjun we are going in a circle, yesterday we were fine, we were in love or so it seemed like we were, today we fight over a cup in the sink, tomorrow we’ll make up and then we’ll continue to walk on eggshells to avoid an argument, renjun we can’t anymore”  
Renjun heard jeno’s voice break as tears began to fall, causing renjun’s tears to fall  
“Do you even want to fix this” renjun said choking on his words  
“I don’t know if this is fixable, renjun”  
Renjun was a person who loved with all his being, all his heart, and maybe all too much. To renjun, he could feel the physical heartbreak and it caused a gasp to leave his mouth and his balance to become unstable. He leaned against the counter, and looked up at jeno who was equally as heartbroken. Neither talked, all that was heard was the sound of each crying.

Jeno broke the silence.  
“Renjun i'm going to walk away first”  
“Jeno please don’t”  
Jeno has already left the room and went to to pack a bag with enough for a few days  
Renjun followed him and sat on their bed, jeno never looked up at renjun just packed his bag, Jeno picked up a sweatshirt that he had bought renjun last year for his birthday, it was the warmest sweater and had moomin on it. He held it in his hands and turned to renjun setting iti next to him on the bed, then we walked out the room renjun trailing behind him begging jeno to stay so they can work it out  
“Renjun, let me walk out this door please”  
“What if you never come back”  
“Then I guess we’ll both have to live with it”  
Jeno walked out the door shutting it, not slamming it behind him, in renjun’s mind it had slammed the door shut and the boy that renjun had given his entire heart to 7 years ago was gone, he fell to the floor, unable to support the weight of his body, and he sobbed. 

The next few weeks were the hardest for renjun. Jeno came back a few days later, but with him he had jaemin to help him move all his belongings from the apartment. Renjun sat on the couch and watched as jeno’s boxes were carried out the front door, he didn’t feel any true emotions, just numbness. Once the last box was carried out, jeno walked over to renjun taking the key off his key ring  
“Here's the key” jeno said placing it on the coffee table  
“I think i got everything, if I left anything just text me or jaemin to get it”  
Renjun just shook his head because if he spoke, he would cry and he would have felt silly, because jeno seemed more than okay.  
“Renjun look at me” renjun looked up at jeno, his eyes red from crying  
“Renjun i loved you so much, I still do, but being together was going to hurt us both much more than being apart, we can still be friends, but renjun im so sorry, we were truly unfixable”  
“I loved you too lee jeno” renjun said letting a soft sad smile on his face, he got up and allowed himself to reach eye level with the taller boy and he hugged him one last time, taking in his scent one last time, something in renjun at that moment felt a wave of relief and he was no longer sad, more like at peace

~Mark~  
Jaemin and Mark’s relationship was doomed to fail. Ever since that fateful night that jaemin dragged Mark into his dorm where they were met with a very in love jeno and renjun, Mark knew that the fall of their supposed relationship would be nothing short of messy, but at that moment, Mark was too in love to think to what the future could hold.

To mark’s surprise, they made it through college, not without a few breakups here and there, but they had made it. They would fight often, usually over petty or stupid things, like jaemin being overly nice to people, or Mark inablity to take things serious. It would be fighting in public at double date with renjun and jeno, to which that seemingly happy couple would stare on not daring to say a word. Mark became envious of what they had and wanted that. After the stupid fights came the sappy make ups, where both would stomp away leaving their best friends to run after and try to force a make up. They would hug and kiss it out and go back home and cuddle. 

Mark couldn’t take it so he decided to end it. 

“Jaemin let’s talk” Mark said when Jaemin walked into the kitchen rubbing sleep out of his eyes  
“I’m not awake yet Mark later”  
“no , right now”  
“Oh my god mark what is this important” jaemin said annoyance in his voice  
“We have to breakup”  
“What”  
“Jaemin we need to breakup”  
“Mark, you are absolutely fucking ridiculous”  
“How?”  
“Nevermind Mark, I'm not doing this with you right now” jaemin said pushing past mark to get to the coffee maker, before jaemin could reach mark stepped in front of him  
“Yes the fuck we are na jaemin”  
Jaemin stared at mark in shock before stepping back to fully look at him  
“Jaemin, we are wasting our time, we can’t go one day without fighting”  
“It’s because everything I do is a problem, mark, you get upset over every little thing I do”  
“That’s bullshit, you do stuff you know will make me upset jaemin you do it on purpose”  
“Like what Mark?”  
“How about when you leave a mess everywhere and when i tell you to clean it you laugh, or how about everytime you get overly nice to co workers, or you fucking friends jaemin”  
“What the fuck is worng with you today, did you have a bad dream or something last night that made you delusional”  
“You are so insensitive jaemin”  
“Really”  
The room fell into a thick silence before Mark spoke up this time with a different type of harshness than before  
“Jaemin, ever since that you took me into your dorm i knew this was going to fail, but i stayed with your ass for 4 fucking years, jaemin, 4 years, becuase you are so fucking incapable of being alone”  
“What” jaemin said with hurt lacing his voice  
“You heard me, you will never admit it but you only started dating me because you’re best friend was about to get in a relationship and you couldn’t face the fact that he wouldn’t be there to cater to your every need and want, so you went and got yourself a toy, just so you could say you were in a relationship”  
“Mark, why would you ever say that” jaemin said with tears stinging in his throat and his voice filling with anger  
“Because it’s the truth”  
“Fuck you Mark. The real truth is you saw what Jeno and Renjun had and got jealous and all of a sudden decided that i wasn’t enough, you became so jealous of someone else, well guess what they had their fucking battles too mark, except they ddin’t fight in public, they didn’t hound other people with their problems, maybe the truth is you are the one that can’t stand to be alone mr. fucking charming boy Mark lee, right, mr amazing Mark Lee, gosh damn Mark how could i have been so fucking stupid these past years, why did i fight to keep you for so long, i gave up so fucking much Mark, i was going to go abroad and study and you were the one that begged me to stay, i could have had such a better life, a better boyfriend, but know you all i could ever think about was you, you what Mark i guess you're right we need to break up, i'll start packing your stuff”  
“This is my apartment, you can’t throw me out”  
“Bullshit, I signed the papers this is my apartment, pack your shit and get the hell out Mark, i never gave you anything never did anything for wasn’t enough well your not my fucking struggle anymore, how about you go to donghyuck, he always seemed to have exactly what you wanted, better yet. why don’t you go hook up with jeno or renjun they are both newly single and since they were so perfect go to one of them”  
Mark stared at jaemin unable to form words, the room rang in the silence after the yelling had stopped, jaemin was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands sobbing  
“Jaem…” mark began before jaemin cutting him off  
“Get out mark, get out right now, please spare both of us more pain and just leave” jaemin wasn’t yelling more instead, his voice was cold. Mark walked over to the door, and turned back to the boy on the couch, mark opened his mouth to speak, but decided not to, he just walked out, leaving jaemin sobbing.

~  
Mark and Renjun had always been kinda close, Jeno and Jaemin were best friends and mark and renjun were always hanging out because jeno and jaemin were too. So Mark’s first option to go to was renjun, he wasn’t going to donghyuck because he didn’t feel right birdening him with his breakup. 

Renjun was surprised to see mark at the door  
“Did jeno leave something” renjun asked questionly  
“Um no, I just need someone to talk to” mark said the day's events beginning to take their toll on his emotions  
“Come in i guess, its kinda messy i haven't been in much of a mood to clean”  
Renjun closed the door behind mark who was now awkwardly sitting on the couch  
“Are you okay Mark”  
“Um, no” Mark said tears threatening to fall  
Renjun just stared at the boy and his heart began to ache almost like he already knew this type of cry  
“Mark, did you and Jaemin break up”  
‘Yeah” mark the tears falling uncontrollably now  
Renjun didn’t know how to comfort Mark at all, renjun was still going through the motions of dealing with his own breakup, instead renjun just sat next to Mark and held him as he cried, scared to ask for details, scared to reopen wounds of his own relationship, so he stayed absolutely quiet. When mark was done crying he broke apart from renjun’s grasp and looked him in the eyes  
“It was all my fault renjun, i started the fight, it was always me, jaemin tried, but I was never satisfied”  
“Mark, I can't say much to make you feel at peace, but however badly it ended it was for the best, and you just have to learn to live”  
The room held a comfortable silence before Mark spoke up  
“Renjun”  
“Yes”  
“How long will this hurt”  
“A while”  
“How are you doing”  
“Im learning how to live without the person who has been there for 5 years, and im hurting, but i’ll survive”  
Mark felt bad for asking renjun about his jeno, but before he could stop his mouth it had all fallen out  
“What happened between you and jeno”  
“Huh”  
“You don’t have to say anything im sorry” mark said looking at the ground  
“It okay, maybe I should talk about it” renjun said sadness beginning to take over  
“I don’t know what happened between us, I guess time came in between us and neither one of us knew how to cope, and it caused problems, so many problems, so many arguments….” Mark could feel his own eyes start to water watching renjun, they had the same problems as him and jaemin.  
“...until eventually we couldn’t take it anymore.” renjun said biting his bottom lip “I miss him Mark, i really do, I hope he’s okay, i thought he was with you guys but I guess he’s not”  
Mark decided not respond, he just shook his head.  
“Anyway” renjun said trying to lighten up “where are you gonna stay”  
“I have no idea, i haven’t thought that far”  
“Well, i do need a roommate, move in with me”  
“Are you sure that won’t be bad”  
“Mark, we were friends before we started dating a pair of best friends we’ll be okay”  
“Okay, thank you renjun”  
‘Yeah” renjun said smiling, it was the biggest renjun has smiled in a long time.

~  
Things fell into a routine for Mark and Renjun, it was like they had lived together for years. They became so close that them falling asleep on eat other while watching tv on the couch was normal, Mark and Renjun had become each other’s main support and they had seemed to both put their pasts behind them and kinda got over their break ups.  
“Hey Renjun” mark said popping into renjun’s room “you wanna go to the store with me, we need food”  
“We just went shopping, stop eating so much” renjun said putting a sweatshirt  
“I can’t help but im a growing boy”  
“But your not, you are a grown ass man Mark”  
They boys just laughed as they made their way out the door.  
They took the long way to the grocery store, mark’s shopping list already written out, mark was super organized, much more than jeno ever was, and renjun liked that it made it life much easier. When they arrived at the store renjun stopped in his footsteps, and the blood rushed from his face  
“Renjun” mark said with worry in his voice  
Mark followed renjun’s eyes and when he saw what renjun was looking at his body went cold, walking into the store laughing, was jeno and jaemin.  
“Mark, i can’t go in, i can’t face him, i spent 3 months trying to forget about him I can't face him”  
“Yes we are” mark said steadying his own voice and grabbing renjun by the wrist and pulling him towards the store. They started their shopping Renjun ticking stiff of the list as mark pushed the cart and made calculations. They pushed up and down aisles, until the turned down an isle and were immediately met with their exes.  
They all just stared, renjun’s eyes wandered down to the floor stopping at jeno’s hand in Jaemin.  
“Renjun” jeno spoke up, untangling his hand from jaemin who was still staring at Mark  
“Jeno”  
“How is everything” jeno asked  
“Um, its okay, how are you”  
“Its okay, did you are mark move in together or something”  
“Um yeah we are just roommates though”  
“Ahh i see”  
“We’ll we should get going” renjun said trying to fight tears, he pulled mark leaving the cart behind, the tears started to fall before renjun was able to get out of the store and get into the car, Renjun sobbed and Mark said nothing he simply stared ahead at the road “Mark they are fucking dating, they where holding hands, Mark they live together, he acted like we were best buddies”  
“Renjun please”  
“Look i'm sorry you were so unhappy with your relationship that you aren't phased in anyway, but I loved jeno and i am still hurt”  
“Renjun you think im not hurt” mark said his voice filling with anger “you aren’t the only one that is hurting renjun, you need to get the hell over it and move on. They did”  
“Really” renjun said matching Mark’s tone “you’re telling me to move on? Like it is that easy mark, I can't just move on, i loved him Mark, I still kinda do” beofre renjun could finish his sentence mark cut him off  
“I loved Jaemin, Renjun, I was in love with him but the llove is fucking gone renjun wake the fuck up, and get over yourself, it was over 4 months ago, and you are still stuck on it, just let him go”  
Renjun felt the blood rush to his face  
“How could you ever say that to me mark, you know what i can see why you and jeamin broke up, if this is you outtake on life i can see why he turned it into a joke, you are so fucking insensitive Mark” they pulled into thier drive way and renjun jumped out slamming the door behind him. The rest of the night renjun stayed in his room crying himself to sleep.

Renjun woke to a soft knock on the door and the smell of breakfast in the air, we went into the kitchen where mark had set the table up with various breakfast foods, he must have went out and got this from a restaurant because Mark can’t cook.  
Mark met renjun’s eyes, which were swollen from crying  
“I’m so sorry about yesterday, i was wrong for everything i said, you had all right to be upset, and I guess that was my way to cope, and i know i need to work on it, i'm so sorry renjun”  
“Mark, it okay, i need to get over it, im ready to move on, and im sorry for everything i said”  
“It okay buddy” mark said smiling  
“So what resturnate is this from” renjun asked laughing  
“Don’t worry about it, just eat”  
The boys ate and talked and everything felt normal, except the tingle renjun felt in his toes when he watches mark laughed, or the way his heart began to speed up when mark’s nose scrunched, but to renjun it felt like this was all okay. 

It has been about a week since mark and renjun had fought and made up and for some reason it had made them closer much much closer. Renjun hadn’t felt like this since he had first started talking to jeno. His face would heat up and he would plush, he would giggle way too often at mark’s bad jokes and he got the sudden urge to just hold him. Renjun noticed Mark had gotten increasingly nicer to him, made breakfast often, made sure there was coffee for renjun when we got ready for work since Maker had to go in much earlier, he would make sure the house was clean when Renjun came home, and always had dinner ready, he even got better at cooking so they could save money. Mark would hug him often, and they would often sit close on the couch while watching whatever netflix show they had started. The feeling had been on renjun’s mind a lot and one night he laid awake was renjun just tired of feeling sad and alone or was he actually ready for another relationship, and did he like mark. Renjun got out of bed and went to the kitchen where mark was standing drinking a glass of water.  
“Hey renjun, you okay”  
“yeah , i just can’t sleep”  
“Oh, same, wanna talk about it” mark asked  
“Sure”  
Renjun said a blush creeping up  
“Mark, is it okay if im ready for another relationship”  
“Yeah, of course, whenever you are ready you can move on”  
“I think im ready”  
Mark stopped drinking and looked up at renjun  
“Me too, renjun” mark said, renjun looked at mark noticing a small smile creep onto his face  
“Hey renjun”  
“Yes”  
“This is gonna sound crazy but like, will you go on a date with me”  
Renjun’s heart sped up, and his breathing and voice became unsteady  
“What” renjun asked his face red  
“Will you go out with me? You say no renjun its okay”  
“No no, i want to yes” renjun said over his loud heartbeat  
“Wait really”  
“Yeah” renjun said laughing  
“Oh my gosh” mark said moving over ot renjun and taking him into a hug, renjun allowed the hug  
“I have to go to plan something special” mark said looking at renjun wide eyed, renjun only laughed giving mark a kiss on the cheek and telling him goodnight leaving a red mark in the kitchen smiling like an idiot.

The next morning Mark woke renjun up softly like he normally did before he left for work, instead it was a Saturday and neither worked on saturdays  
“Renjunnie, wake up”  
“Mark, it is 9am and you have never called me renjunnie”  
“I know the time, get up and get dressed”  
Renjun got up and looked at Mark who was sitting at the edge of his bed, renjun leaned over to Mark and put his head on his shoulder  
“Mark, please don’t tell me you have a list of places that you think i will like and think you are planning the perfect day”  
Makr let the boy lay on his shoulders  
“Nope, not how work, but you need to get dressed because we do have a nice day planned that don’t include cheesy planetariums or a moomin cafe”  
Renjun lifted his head up and looked at mark who just smiled before getting off the bed and walking out the door saying “20 minuts then we leave”  
Renjun felt a twang of longing, but it wasn’t for mark.

The first place Makr took renjun was a place to eat breakfast,  
“What all do we have planned today mark”  
“Well renjun, honestly not much, since I planned this last night, but we really spending the day at the beach”  
“Mark, there are no beaches around here’  
“That the fun part, we have to take a road trip, about 2 hours which is why i woke you up so early.”  
“And didn’t have me bring a bathing suit”  
“Nope that’s what make this fun”  
Mark paid for the food and they started their road trip, renjun playing dj and them loudly singing and laughing and talking. When they arrived at the beach, Mark started to look nervous  
“Makr are you okay”  
“Yeah im fine”  
Renjun just shook his head as he got out the car. Mark dragged him into the little shop on the beach  
“Buying cheap swim trunks, romantic” renjun said laughing  
“Just buy a pair” mark said hitting him  
Once they had bought their shorts and out them on the made their way to the beach part. The boys spent hours in the water and sitting on the beach.  
“Amkr what about food”  
“I got it covered”  
“Do you really”  
“Nope”  
Renjun sat up and laughed  
“Well let's look up restaurants” renjun sad pulling out his phone. The boys settled on a nice korean bbq place not far from the beach. 

When they were seated and ordered, renjun looked over to the booth across the isle from them  
“You have got to be kidding me” renjun said a hint of nerve in his voice  
“Renjun, i know they are here i saw them at the beach”  
“What the hell Mark” renjun said trying to keep his voice quiet  
“I didn't ruin our day”  
“Wait ths wasn’t set up was it”  
Mark looked over at the other booth then looked down at this hands  
“Kinda, I texted jaemin after we saw then at the storem him and jeno aren’t dating at all, and we kinda made up, and he suggested we all meet up at this beach and then when we decided on a place to eat, i told them”  
“You have got to be fucking joking, Mark” renjun said standing up casuing jeno to stand and call his name, renjun whipped his head in that direction  
“Oh my god” renjun said  
‘Renjun please listen” mark pleaded  
Renjun felt his head begin to spin, and he ran outside. Before he could even breathe, he felt a hand on his shoulder.  
“Renjun” it was jeno, of course it was jeno  
“Jeno please i can’t do this”  
:renjun please listen to me, lets go to the car so we can be private”  
Jeno held his hand out to help renjun up,renjun accept his hand and they went to Jeno’s car and sat in silence for a few minutes.  
“renjun , i think we messed up”  
“What”  
“I think we made a mistake, i miss you so much renjun, i still love you so much and I think I know how we can work this out i think know how we can restart”  
“Jeno, i don’t know, i miss you too and i still love you so much, but we broke up for a reason, and I just don’t know if we should”  
Jeno stared at the logo on the steering wheel  
“Look renjun, we broke up and I thought it would help us be happier, but im worse, i need you renjun, I fucked up so bad, so so bad, and I know we broke up for a reason, but I promise if we try again it will be like it used to be” jeno was looking at renjun with tears running down his face “renjun i will give you anything to try again”  
Renjun leaned forward and wiped jesus face cupping his face.  
“I’m willing to try again, I don't know if we should move in with each other right away, but I am more than willing to retry, i will fix everything i did wrong,the first time”  
Jeno leaned forward and pressed a kiss to renjun’s lips, renjun softened into the kiss missing the way it felt, in that moment realized that this is the only place he wants to be.  
They broke away and looked at each other laughing  
“I missed you” jeno said smiling the smile that makes renjun’s heart race  
“Jeno, what are jaemin and mark gonna say”  
:oh i'm not worried they are already probably making out in the booth”  
Jeno got out the car and ran to the other door to open it for renjun, when renjun got out jeno tackled him in a hug that basically took over renjun’s entire body. Renjun gave a quick kiss to the side of jeno’s mouth before taking his hand and walking back into the restaurant where there was jaemin and mark making googly eyes at each other. 

“Look at our favorite couple” jamein said when the two got to the table  
“So everything is back to normal” mark said smiling  
“Yeah, it exactly how it’s supposed to be” renjun said smiling “thank you mark”  
They four spent the rest of the night walking around the beachy city they were in, there was no fighting anymore, and everyone was happy.

~2 months later~  
“Jeno, why are you here this early” renjun said rubbing sleep out of his eyes  
“We are redoing our first date”  
“Why”  
“Unless you just want to stay in”  
“We can do both” renjun said smiling  
“Let's start with just laying back in bed i'm still sleepy” renjun said dragging jeno to the bedroom they had once shared and would soon share again soon and they cuddled the rest of the day, forgetting about the original plan. This was the way things were always meant to be.


End file.
